


legendary luscious

by MxBBadperson



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, he has a nice ass, if candy!karkat’s a solid snake reference, karkat and meenah won't have it, most probably ooc, the reference wouldn’t be complete otherwise!, ult!dirk is a perv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27267292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MxBBadperson/pseuds/MxBBadperson
Summary: ‘I missed you.’ Dirk reached down. His hand met Karkat’s ass.
Relationships: Dirk Strider/Karkat Vantas
Kudos: 7





	legendary luscious

Karkat was at the round table, looking over the papers with a cup of coffee in his hand. There were reports and inventory around him and several cups of coffee. He read a report. He wrote notes down then took a sip of the coffee. He set the report away and read another. He could feel eyes on him. Karkat didn’t turn around. He already knew who it was.

‘What do you want?’ He asked. 

He was leaning against the doorway. ‘Do I need a reason? I missed you.’ Dirk said. 

Karkat rolled his eyes. ‘You didn’t miss me,’ he stated. 

‘You’re right, I didn’t,’ Dirk said. He pushed himself off the doorway then walked towards Karkat. He came to stand beside him. ‘I missed you.’ Dirk reached down. His hand met Karkat’s ass. 

Karkat looked into his cup of coffee. He could throw it at him but that would be a waste of coffee *and* mug. Dirk gave Karkat’s a gentle squeeze. ‘I missed you,’ he murmured. Karkat elbowed him. It landed but Dirk didn’t flinch. He gave it another squeeze. Something cold touched the back of Dirk neck. He didn’t turn around, he already knew who it was. 

‘Get you dirty hand off his booty,’ Meenah said, the tips of her trident pressing against the back of Dirk’s neck.

‘No,’ Dirk replied. Another squeeze. Meenah pulled her trident back then jerked it forward. Dirk dodged it by crouching down. He stared at Karkat’s ass. He leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around Karkat’s legs, resting his cheek against the plush ass. ‘I missed you,’ he told it seriously, ‘legendarily luscious.’ Meenah slapped the back of his dead. ‘Ow,’ he said deadpan.

‘Get off me,’ Karkat said. 

‘No,’ Dirk said. Karkat sighed loudly. The edges of Dirk’s lips quirked up. Karkat set the mug down then reached for Dirk’s hand. His hand curled around Dirk’s wrist. He pulled it up, twisting it slightly.

‘Get off me,’ Karkat repeated flatly. Meenah kicked Dirk’s ass. Dirk jolted forward. Karkat twisted Dirk’s wrist. Dirk’s other arm let go of Karkat’s legs. Karkat yanked him up and Dirk rose. He stood up. His hand reached for Karkat’s ass. Meenah slapped his hand away. Dirk looked at her offended.

‘Don’t you have other places to be?’ Meenah asked.

‘I’m taking a break,’ Dirk answered. 

‘Break’s over,’ Karkat said. 

‘Go back from wherever you’re from,’ Meenah continued. 

‘My break isn’t over,’ Dirk said. 

‘It is, if you’re break is any longer, you’d freak the fuck out,’ Karkat said. He knew that much about Dirk at least. He was a workaholic too. 

‘Fine, I’m taking my leave. Don’t miss me too much,’ Dirk said. He looked at Karkat’s ass. ‘I’ll come back for you,’ he said seriously. Karkat kicked him. Dirk stepped back and it missed him. Karkat tried to kick his other leg. It handed. ‘Ow,’ Dirk muttered. 

Karkat released Dirk’s wrist. ‘Go. Yes, that’s an *order*,’ he said. Dirk stared at him. Karkat scowled at him. ‘*Go*,’ he growled. Dirk reached for his ass with two hands. Meenah grabbed him by the cape. 

Karkat picked up his mug and leaned back against the table to watch. Meenah lifted him up in the air. Dirk crossed his arms as his feet dangled uselessly. ‘I love you, legendary luscious ass,’ Dirk said. Meenah turned around and marched towards the door. ‘Meenah, if I could make a request-’

‘No,’ Meenah said flatly. 

‘It’s about Karkat,’ Dirk said.

Meenah shook him. ‘It’s “the commander” to you,’ she snapped. She thought about it. ‘Fine,’ she said annoyed, ‘spit it out.

‘Karkat’s ass is a national treasure,’ Dirk declared. 

‘It is pretty nice,’ Meenah agreed. 

‘Keep it safe, it must be _preserved_ ,’ Dirk said seriously. 

Meenah turned her wrist. She looked at Dirk. ‘I want to say no just to spite you,’ she said thoughtfully, ‘but since I *am* the lieutenant and having his back is my job, I’m doing that.’ She gave Dirk a fierce shake. Dirk’s expression didn’t change. ‘Don’t get any funny ideas. I’m not doing it for you.’ Meenah pulled her arm back. She threw him away. Dirk didn’t land, disappearing mid-air with a _pop_. Meenah her dusted off her hands then went back to Karkat. 

Karkat returned to his papers. Meenah put a small stack of papers next to him. ‘Why the fuck does that guy keep coming back here?’ she wondered. 

‘Because he’s an idiot,’ Karkat answered. 

Meenah peered at him. ‘You didn’t sleep with him did you boss?’ she asked slowly. Karkat sighed. ‘Boss!’ she cried in disappointment. ‘He’s not good-looking enough for that!’

‘He is,’ Karkat admitted sheepishly. 

‘He isn’t,’ Meenah said seriously, ‘is it the bulge? Is his bulge *actually* good enough for you to deal with his sorry ass?’ 

‘Not really,’ Karkat admitted. 

‘Boss!’ Meenah said scandalized. Karkat winced. ‘If he’s annoying and his bulge isn’t that good, *dump him*!’  
‘If I can find a way how,‘ Karkat muttered. 

‘”It’s over.” Two words, short, simple, sweet,’ Meenah said. 

‘It isn’t,’ Karkat mumble into his mug. 

‘So you deal with him because you’re an idiot too,’ Meenah stated. Karkat sighed in agreement. He took a sip of his coffee. Maybe he’d buy some cheaper, shitty mugs and equally shitty coffee to throw at Dirk. It’s what they both deserved.


End file.
